Self-Hatred to Self-Love: Inside the Mind of an Eating Disorder with Shannon Kratky.

As a part of our Mental Health Awareness Series, I would be doing this month a disservice if I didn’t address the eating disorder mentality, and where it stems from. If you’ve been around here for awhile, you know that the initial spark that led me on my health journey was not out of self-love. Rather, it was out of body-shaming, poor body image, self-hate, obsession + control. You can read my full story here. WORD OF CAUTION: Prepare for a long read, that baby is in 5 parts. Ha.

For today’s post, I’d like to introduce you my sweet friend Shannon. This girl has been on my radar since my first day of communications class during sophomore year. Yep, we go waaaay back.

I remember that semester and the unspoken friendship that slowly grew from it. Both of us kept to ourselves, shy, quiet and a little guarded, but also really hilarious + goofy when you got to know us. Even after that semester ended, I knew she would be a friend for life.

What I didn’t know is that during that time, we were both battling major inner demons alone, yet together. Interesting how life reveals these things to you after the fact, isn’t it?

Shannon has a heart of gold, a passion for living her truth, and a drive to help others discover their own voice, just as she has on her personal journey in this life thus far.

BEFORE YOU READ: There might be sensitive or triggering words in this post, but it is the truth, reality + gravity inside the mind of an eating disorder. Also, know that there are no before/after images because Shannon believes it only contributes to the misconceptions about eating disorders. Not all eating disorders look the same on the outside, and so she is working to remove that idea from the forefront of the conversation.

What I hope you take away from this is that if you know someone in your life who is silently struggling, or you yourself are hiding behind the facade of controlling your body (even in the name of “health” and “exercise”), that you take a long + hard look at yourself (figuratively, of course) and seek the help you need in order to begin the process of true healing. The root cause to these things are never as clear as they seem. It’s not easy, but doing the hard work is worth it.

Here’s Shannon.

For 25+ years, my mind lived at war with body, and my soul was nowhere to be found.

Every part of my body from head to toe was too “fill-in-the-blank…”

My stomach, too fat. My hips, too wide. My boobs, too saggy. My thighs, too dimpled. My toes, too stubby. My nose, too large. My teeth, too crooked. My skin, too scarred. My waist, too many stretch marks. My butt, too flat. My skin tone, too pale. My face, too ugly.

TO SILENCE THE TYRANT IN MY HEAD, I TRIED EVERYTHING…

Suck it in. Lose weight. Burn fat. Build muscle. Chest out. Padded, push-up bras. Chin-ups. Push-ups. Crunches. Lift more. Run faster. Cardio, cardio, cardio. Swim harder. Tone up. Light weights, more reps. Heavier weights, less reps. Squats. Spin, spin, spin. More fad diets than I can remember. HCG. Fasting. “White-pants-approved” cleanses. “White-pants-NOT-approved” cleanses. Waist-trainers. Spanx. Body wraps. Skipping meals. Small meals more often. Laxatives. Diuretics. Caffeine supplements. Diet pills. More raw veggies. No carbs. No gluten. Fat-free milk. No butter. Mustard as salad dressing. Sugar-free Red Bull by the case. Pickles. Diet soda. Coffee. Low-fat. Low-sodium. Less calories. Purge. More water. No sugar. Teeth whitener. More concealer. Tanning beds. Tanning oil. High heels. Fake smile.

The truth is, no matter how my body changed (or didn’t change) over the years, my hatred for it only grew. With every pound I lost, I became increasingly desperate to lose more. My distorted body image continued to grow less and less realistic.

Inevitably, my body would rebound and I would gain back all I had lost. Then, I would find myself binging on the very foods I had forever sworn off just to calm my anxious mind. My hatred for my body swelled and the war persisted.

Throughout my 20s, I hit every number on the scale within a 130+ pound range. From weighing just under 100lbs to well-over 200lbs, my body suffered under the control of my mind and my behaviors. There was nothing “healthy” about my lifestyle, and more than once, I found myself on my death bed.

Clinically, I was diagnosed with “Anorexia Nervosa (Purging-Type),” and later, “Other Specified Feeding or Eating Disorder” (OSFED). I was one of the lucky few who was able to receive professional eating disorder treatment multiple times throughout my 20s as I have traveled the rocky road of recovery. Even to this day, I continue to see a counselor and dietitian weekly and I maintain open and honest relationships with my medical doctors.

WHY? WHY DID I HATE MY BODY SO MUCH?

I was one of the 70% of 18-30-year-olds who disliked my body. Yes, I turned to some desperate, unhealthy measures to control my weight… just like 50% of women today. If we’re talking about dieting alone, I was just another one of the 89% who began dieting before age 17. By a young age, like 81% of 10-year-olds, I intensely feared becoming “fat.”

For me, my hatred for my body and resulting eating disorder reached far beyond trying to look like a model in a magazine. My hatred for my body and resulting eating disorder were rooted in pain and fear. A childhood riddled with abuse, neglect, and terror, and resulting PTSD. Lack of control. Never feeling good enough. Feeling like I took up too much space (physically and otherwise). Pulsing anxiety about anything and everything. Self-loathing and depression. Never really feeling loved or wanted. No sense of belonging. Feelings of worthlessness. Fear that I would be hurt again. Being hurt again. Submission to what society expected of me. Confusion about who I really was, from what I believed about the world to my sexual orientation. Simple surrender to a world that values thinness and (strictly-defined) “beauty,” and the repression of authentic self-expression.

My attempts to gain control over my body and perfect its flaws were a mere reflection of my attempts to gain control over my life.  So long as my war against my body was rooted in pain and fear, my resulting eating disorder only perpetuated my suffering.

So, what?

If I was going to live, I had to make peace with my body, mind, and spirit. I had to somehow integrate the three.

EATING DISORDER RECOVERY

On a nutritional level, I ditched the fad diets, laxatives, diuretics, and multiple-hours-long exercise routines. I surrendered to a dietitian who specialized in eating disorders. I got on a meal plan and followed an exchange system, even with fists clinched and tears rolling down my face. I ate protein, fats, fruits, veggies, AND carbs. I no longer restricted nutrients from my body and I no longer purged or over-exercised because I had eaten.

On a physical level, I connected with my body in new ways. I took gentle restorative and Hatha flow yoga classes. I learned to meditate (very slowly). I started dancing, my body’s way, with the Nia Technique. I ran and lifted less and hiked more. I only engaged in movement that made me feel better and brought me joy. Most recently, I leveled-up in Krav Maga, the Israeli self-defense system, and my newfound passion.

On an emotional level, I gave myself total permission to feel my feelings. For me, my disordered eating behaviors had numbed me out for so long and whenever I surrendered those behaviors, all the bottled-up feelings came spewing out. Anger. Sadness. Fear. Shame. Guilt. You-name-it. It sucked. It was hard. It was worth it.

On a mental level, I trudged through my suffering and pulled my pain out by the roots. I saw multiple therapists and even saw a psychiatrist for medication to make the process more bearable. I engaged in all types of individual and group counseling, including EMDR, CBT, DBT, Art Therapy, Internal Family Systems, Music Therapy, and more … I learned to recognize and challenge my distorted thoughts, my unwarranted self-blame, and my negative beliefs about myself and the world. I began to accept my flaws and embrace my strengths. I learned to love myself.

On a relational level, I took responsibility for my part and I let go of the rest. I set firm boundaries and cut ties with those who had hurt me most. In social contexts, I began to steer conversation away from body-talk, because for whatever reason, conversations amongst women sometimes turn into competitions over who hates their body the most or who has lost the most weight on what diet. I began surrounding myself by people who loved their bodies and we engaged in vulnerable conversation about our lives, our struggles, our hopes, and our dreams.

On a soul level, I began discovering who I really am and what my purpose in life is. I came to recognize my body for all the amazing things that it could do for me and the sheer fact that my body is the only transportation my beautiful mind and soul will ever have. I began exploring universal spiritual truths and untethered myself from my religious upbringing (for me, it just didn’t work). I embraced all the quirks about myself that make me who I am: I am introverted. I love to write. I’m confident standing before a crowd, but I shake with anxiety when I’m in one. I’m obsessed with the color purple. I’m crazy adventurous. I’m a kid in an adult’s body. I love glittery eyeshadow and bold lipstick. I’m fierce and passionate, yet tender and sensitive. My purpose in this world is simple: to love and to be loved.

Today, I not only inhabit my body, I love my body. I also love food and sometimes I eat too much (especially when it comes to dark chocolate, pancakes, and tacos). When it comes to food choices, for the most part, I stick to whole, real foods because those are the foods that make me feel well physically. I only engage in exercise that I truly enjoy, which is currently Krav Maga, spin classes, Nia, and yoga. I love adventure and find trails to explore everywhere I go. I don’t own a scale and I don’t weigh myself at the gym. I haven’t had caffeine in well-over a year and my anxiety is much lower because of it! I strive to authentically express myself and love others in all that I do.

As I mentioned, my recovery from body-hatred and eating disorders has been a far cry from an overnight or linear journey. It has been decade-plus-long rollercoaster… and what a ride!

 

 

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If you or someone you know may be struggling with an eating disorder,

please visit www.nationaleatingdisorders.org or call the National Eating Disorders Helpline at 800.931.2237.

 

If you or someone you know may be struggling with issues related to interpersonal violence,

please contact the National RAINN Hotline at 800.656.HOPE or visit www.rainn.org for more information.

 

If you or someone you know may be struggling with suicidal thoughts or feelings,

please text “CONNECT” to 741741 or call 800.273.8255 for free, confidential support.