Wrestling with the Why.

Hey friends, it’s been awhile.

Don’t worry, I didn’t fall off the face of the earth (though it may have seemed like it for a bit). The New Year not only brought in the busyness of the N&N Challenge, but it also ushered in a major season of retreat + reflection for me. So naturally, I’ve taken a step back from a few things (i.e. blogging regularly) in order to truly focus on the essential right now.

Ever feel like you just wake up and it’s 6 months later? Just going through the motions, feeling like you’re not able to grasp time and force it to slow down? I was feeling this for quite some time; an exhausted ball of anxiety, stuffed in a glass case of emotion (Ron Burgundy voice implied).  Shocked that time was flying by without me truly participating in it. “Why was that happening…. WHY?” I wondered.

Let me ask you this.

  • When was the last time you felt FULLY alive + free?
  • When was the last time you felt truly present, in the NOW?
  • When was the last time you actually felt the earth under your feet or the wind on your face?
  • When was the last time you felt the sensation of the water hitting your skin in the shower rather than thinking about the itinerary for your day ahead?

 

Over the New Year holiday, my family went up to our grandparent’s cabin in the New Mexico mountains to rest, retreat + play in the fresh pow pow (ski talk for powdery snow conditions) on the ski runs.

Prior to all this, I was feeling a sense of uncertainty, anxiety + fear for my future.

I’m seriously, actively, working on it, y’all.

But it’s no joke. Something you just can’t put words to, but desperately want someone to understand, no matter how hard you try to translate it into a comprehensible language. It’s like a being dropped off in China with no road map, and the only non-English phrase you can pull out is “yo quiero taco bell.”

The message just doesn’t get translated.

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During our ski trip, I remember sitting on the chair lift one exceptionally foggy afternoon, deeply breathing in the crisp mountain air, and listening to the most epic ski music ever.

Queue, The Naked + Famous:

While listening to the song’s lyrics, I was thinking of how grateful I was to be IN that moment doing an activity I love in an environment I love.

And then I felt it.

Deep within my soul. Overflowing.

The joy of feeling fully alive, again.

I couldn’t handle it.

I shouted with joy at the top of my lungs to the unsuspecting skiers below, to the mountain, and to the Divine above, who created it all.

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NM summer 2015

I think it caught some people off guard. But I didn’t care. It was the only way I knew how I could express my gratitude in that very moment.

And just like that, the present moment I was in was fully ALIVE.

It was such a freeing, yet fleeting moment, because then again in a flash, it was gone. Covered up with the thoughts of daily routines, to-do lists, and schedules that dictate our lives.

WHY?

Why do we lose the present moment? Why do we allow ourselves to move throughout our lives like robots? Is it because it’s easier than to deal with reality? To escape?

What about getting caught up in the “should’s” of life? Why do we feel that we “should” do something? Out of guilt? Other people’s expectations? To check another shiny penny off the list of achievements?

I don’t know about you, but I have been truly wrestling with the why lately. I think it has surfaced because I have been implementing more meditation in my life. Or maybe because of my current read or the online class I’m taking.

And for awhile I was ashamed to have so many questions. But now, I’m thankful. I think it brings me a little closer to the present moment I long for. Regardless of the situation or circumstance, I am HERE.

I hope you will choose to get uncomfortable and wrestle with the why.

I would much rather live actively awakened than be a passerby of this beautiful, messy life. Wouldn’t you?

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May the fog be lifted + your heart awakened.

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